Just read this article on long-term Covid effects. There are plenty of other similar articles.

I think when it all shakes out, we’ll realize that not only is Covid not “just the flu,” but its impact on society is more like polio. Kills some, disables many. I wish the disability aspect of it were publicized more, I think it would help encourage the more reckless to mask up. (I also wish they’d talk more about how it may cause infertility and painful testicular swelling in men. A lot of young guys feel invincible but if you say “this will mess up your ability to get laid” they might actually listen.)

We’re going to be left with hundreds of thousands of disabled people due to this disease, and I’m not sure the world is going to be up for this challenge. In particular I worry about the lung damage. There are lots of illnesses and problems that you can ignore for part of your day. Breathing though…when you can’t breathe, that’s all you can think about.

The science fiction / dystopian part of my brain says that there will be a massive criminal enterprise where, due to the ravages of Covid, gangs of marauders will kidnap people and harvest their lungs and other organs for wealthy post-Covid sufferers. Or the Uighurs stuck in China’s concentration camps will become the new “lung donors.”

Grim.

Having severe OCD during a plague is a little hard.

On the other hand, it’s giving me great insight into why OCD has stayed in the gene pool.

I have to admit that, before the plague, I was a little confused about that last point. Up to now, I was always like, “Why, God? What possible good does it serve for me to be like this?!?”

But now I see that being hyper-hyper-vigilant about contamination can really serve folks well during disease outbreaks. And most of human history has been “during disease outbreaks.”

Note that “serve folks well” = “keeping people from death.” It does not mean “make people happy.” Nope. Uh-uh. Hypervigilance is not the key to emotional success. But (I guess?) you live another day, and in that future day…you can go to therapy.

I’m cleaning out all the irritating little receipts from my wallet today, and it’s weird what’s making me nostalgic.

“Two steak tacos” says one receipt. Now, part of the nostalgia is because the receipt is from TacoDeli, a place that is ½ restaurant and ½ religion for me. But the real pang was just…oh look. A restaurant. Remember when I could go to restaurants?

I continue on through each crumpled piece of paper: unremarkable chains like Costa Vida, special occasion dinners at Lucky Fins, overpriced hippie shit at Wild Root. Each one is a marker of a thing I was able to do. I was disabled then too, but even so I could occasionally go out. My life was so limited even before. But at least my fears were only about me. “If I walk downtown, will I have such a bad energy crash I won’t be able to make it back? If I commit to a dinner, will I have to cancel?” Now I’m afraid of everything.

You would think that well, at least this time I have company. Before, I was sick and nobody cared. Now everybody’s sick and everybody cares — except the people who have the power to do something about it.

Is it better? No, not really, it is not better.

The last few days I’ve been totally freaking out. We had a flood in our kitchen that overflowed into the living room. Normally this would be really irritating and inconvenient. But now? It’s a choice between keeping the wet carpet, that might develop mold and mildew and make me sick — or having maintenance in to fix it, and risking catching Covid-19. So a bad night with a little bad luck becomes a crisis.

Last week Wil’s car died. He had to have AAA come to the garage to jump it. We aired out the garage, but I still didn’t go down there for days. Too afraid.

Today we were in the garage with the door open. I heard a neighbor talking outside nearby. How far is she? I wondered. I can’t see her. Is she 10 feet? 20 feet? Is she upwind? Is she wearing a mask? 

I just panicked and left.

My husband doesn’t understand. Rationally, he said, we’re safe. But then he panics in other ways, that seem irrational to me.

I just want to deal with the stresses of me being disabled and my spouse being unemployed without also knowing that at least 5% of Boise is actively infected with a deadly virus, right now. I feel like disability and job-searching are enough, thanks, but hey maybe that’s just me.

Back when we had it under control in Idaho, I could almost handle it. But now that the plan seems to be, “Let them all die and let God sort it out,” I just can’t. There is no plan. There is no strategy. Insane protesters show up without masks at health board meetings. We’re just supposed to let the state burn.

I don’t think people know what it’s like to get sick from something, and just never get better. You don’t die all at once, but a little at a time, over years. There’s the year I realized I was never going to be well enough to have children. There’s the year I had to give up my music career. There’s the year I have to give up being able to function consistently enough to hold any job. And so many other daily disappointments and heartbreaks, until you think you just can’t bear it anymore.

People don’t understand that death isn’t what they need to be afraid of. Sure, the death rate is low. But it’s causing strokes, lung fibrosis, kidney failure, and so much more.

The young just don’t get it. So they’re cavalier.

I was cavalier once, too.

Not anymore.

Here, now, in the middle of a sunny summer and heading into fall, is where the darkest days and the truth will out.

I know I’ve said this before, and I know it is hard to grasp, but Trump et. al. are not simply slow, venal, corrupt and incompetent. They are actively trying to kill us. 

“Why would Trump hold a mask-free rally in a state where there’s a rise in cases?”

→ He’s actively trying to kill us

“Why wouldn’t Trump use the Defense Production Act to increase mask manufacture? Why would he use it to force high-density meatpacking plants to stay open?”

→ He’s actively trying to kill us

“What’s with Trump hating masks?”

→ He’s actively trying to kill us

“Why is Trump pressuring the CDC to change its school reopening guidelines?”

→ He’s actively trying to kill us

See?

The folks asking those questions are on the right track — his actions do indeed make No Sense — unless — work with me here — he’s actively trying to kill us.

~ Here beginneth the Question-and-Answer Portion of this essay, posted in red and green, like Atreyu and Bastian in The Never-Ending Story.

Because if any year feels Never-Ending, it’s fucking 2020 ~

Q: But Sofia, we know he’s bad, but he’s not like, bad-bad, right?

A: As has been thoroughly documented elsewhere, he’s a pedophile rapist who hangs out with international mafiosi. He’s bad-bad.

Q: Ok, but even if he’s a bad guy, even “bad” guys don’t just kill people for the heck of it.

A: Hitler did. Stalin did. Lots of other bad guys did. He has the same personality type.* 

Q: Oh, but I don’t believe he’s as bad as Hitler!** Sure, over 130,000 Americans have died so far, but he did it…by…accident?

He didn’t mean to. He’s just inexperienced.

I bet he’ll stop accidentally killing people sometime soon?

A: Look. I’m sorry. I feel for you. It’s hard when your entire innocent worldview comes crashing around down your ears. It’s hard recognizing that there are super evil people in the world, and it’s harder when you realize you are potential collateral damage to their dreams of empire. Ok. 

I will humor your reasoning. He’s not as bad as Hitler, he’s a better person than Hitler, he would only murder people by neglect if he had a very good reason. 

Ok. So here’s your reason: 

Trump is the Chaos Bringer. His method of getting out of trouble is to insert so much chaos into situations that only he, a man whose elemental self is pure chaotic evil, will be able to navigate the chaos and win. 

Trump’s poll numbers are plummeting. The American people despise him. If we get COVID under control by November, that means a lot of people who hate Trump will safely leave their houses, go to the polls, and vote him out of office. Sure Putin can attack our voting machines, but his methods are not foolproof. Otherwise, why did the Dem’s take the house in 2018?

Putin may be able to hack a close election but not a landslide.

So: how to attack the election?

Letting the virus run amok is the attack on the election.

Because what happens if the virus runs amok? Polling places are shut down. High-risk folks — including many Democrats — stay home. Voting by mail gets denied in Republican strongholds. Mail-in ballots are “lost.”

The whole. Voting. System. Breaks. Down. 

Donald Trump wins again. 

And if a few hundred thousand Americans have to die to get him there, well, that’s just a happy accident as far as he is concerned. 

You know how folks have been protesting in the streets against state-sponsored murder?

We need to do more of it.

I can’t do anything as I’m too disabled. I can only write these essays where I scream into the void.

But you can do something. You can leave your home. You can wear a mask. You can protest. You can demand better action.

Protest. Shout. Rage. YOU ARE BEING MURDERED. SPEAK UP NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

The election depends on you. 

* The psych term for it is “malignant narcisissm.”

**According to his first wife Ivanka, he kept a copy of Hitler’s speeches by his bedside. This, from a guy who struggles to read, so it must have been very important to him. But sure, ok. He’s totally not into Hitler.