During my period of extended convalescence, I’ve had a lot of free time in my apartment, stuck inside. So, I started doing things I never used to do before, like reading glossy magazines. Waste of time and/or money? What else was I going to do all day?

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. A Flat Stomach makes you Pure.

In the olden days, our culture was obsessed with a woman’s virginity. Nowadays, we’ve decided it’s ok to have sex, as long as you look like you are a virgin — i.e., 12. So, our strange compromise has led us to fetishize 25-year-old women with the body fat of preadolescents.

If at any point of your life, your curves do not make you appear 12, then you must be a witch a prostitute “fat.”

2. A Well-Appointed Closet is the new Porn. 

Did you know that if your bedroom closet is perfectly arranged and color-coded.  you have succeeded at the game of life? There will be much Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth, as other women Rue Your Victory.

Now sit down, perfect-closet-having-person, and have a nice romantic dinner for two, just You. And Your Closet.

3. Inherited wealth is an accomplishment. 

An “accomplishment” is when you do something remarkable with what you are given — such as becoming rich after being born into poverty. Or, for that matter, becoming compassionate after being born into privilege. But starting a frivolous clothing line at Bendel’s because you’re an heiress with nothing better to do is not that remarkable.

4. A nice home bought with lots and lots of money is also an accomplishment. 

Look, if I had 5 million dollars to spend on a Paris apartment, I’m sure my place would look nice, too.

5. The best way to live a simple, uncluttered life is to buy lots of new stuff.

“But honey, it’s a zen coffee table!”

6. The second best way to live a simple, uncluttered life is to buy lots of magazines advocating simplicity. 

Piles of old magazines will give your Buddhist-retreat vibe that perfect touch.

7. Have a major life decision on your horizon? A short quiz written by strangers may be your salvation.

Yes, it’s true that some people spend years of searching to figure out their ideal mate, career choice, and management style, but maybe that’s because they didn’t take the quiz in the middle of O Magazine.