I came to adulthood in the late 90’s, a time when corporate and government doublespeak really became a stock in trade. I feel like I’ve spent my whole adult life just waiting for someone in a position of power to tell the truth. (Still Waiting.) Here’s my personal best-of list:
- Overtime? You don’t need overtime. Only blue-collar workers would sully themselves with time-and-a-half pay. You’re above that now — you’re a professional.
- Yes, many dot-com’s are failing right now, but don’t worry — we’re different.
- For your convenience, we have merged your bank with an even larger one, and are now closing your branch. Have a nice day.
- Everything’s fine at the World Trade Center. The air is totally fit to breathe. You should go shopping downtown, it’ll be good for the economy.
- The war in Iraq is about…freedom. That oil thing is coincidence.
- We’re streamlining your health insurance by giving you a $2,000 deductible. Now, you are empowered to make better choices about your healthcare.
- We’re going to subvert the Constitution, and call it the Patriot Act. We’re going to gut clean air laws, and call it “Clear Skies.” We’ll sell off public lands and call it “Healthy Forests.” (While other folks viewed Orwell’s 1984 as a cautionary tale, the Bush administration viewed it more as an instruction manual.)
- Buy now, before it’s too late — they’re not making any more land.
- We hate Obama because he’s a Kenyan Socialist Muslim sleeper agent — wait, he’s black?
- Ladies: Upset because you’re earning 30% less than men? That’s just the kind of irrational thinking you get from a woman.
- This financial crisis is a catastrophe. We must have a multi-billion dollar bailout, financed with public money. We must spare no expense!…but we can’t break up the banks or regulate them, let’s not get too crazy here.
- It’s not a recession, it’s a Jobless Recovery™.
- Sure, the last financial crisis caught us all with our pants down, but everything’s fine in Greece.
…What are yours?