Random Miscellany

I’m in the midst of a massive going-through-my-papers, if-I-can’t-die-famous-at-least-I-can-die-without-20-year-old-paystubs PROJECT.

So far, I have shredded 8 pounds of paper, and recycled almost as much, a turn of events as deeply satisfying as anything outside of the realms of sex and chocolate can be.

Today I’ve found several funny things, including:

1. A “Blue Bulletin” from Andover. This was a souvenir of the daily announcements sheet from my high school. My then-boyfriend gave it to me, because my name was on the infirmary list for that day.

Besides the desperate calls for new members of the Physics and Debate Clubs (“New members welcome. Food!”), I liked the announcement for computer classes:

LEARN HOW TO WORD PROCESS ON THE APPLE IIe! Any student who has a major paper due this term and who would like to learn more about the features of AppleWorks is urged to attend. 

Even then, Apple had only a loose understanding of the rules of capitalization.

2. A math test from Senior year in high school. First question:

f(x) = 1/x2, g(x) = 0 , x = 1, x = 4

Apparently, I once understood exactly what this meant.

3. On a 3 x 5 notecard:

But here in New York, we have something we think about as much as romantic love. Which is real estate.”

This whole experience is like a guided tour of my brain from the past 15 years.

Doppelganger

There’s a flamenco dancer living in Madrid named Sofia Echegaray. I wonder if she secretly wants to be a singer-songwriter living in Austin, Texas.

Want

Beauties want to be known as smart. 

Brains want to be known as pretty.

Heiresses want to be known as accomplished.

Hard workers want to be known as fun and cool. 

We all want something.

Useless Packaging

I hate extraneous packaging. Case in point: the toothpaste box:

Image

This box isn’t packaging holding the product. It just holds the other packaging. If the average person buys 3 tubes of toothpaste a year, that’s 900 million completely useless toothpaste boxes thrown away in our country every year. 
What’s more, as they’re currently designed, each box could fit 2 tubes, so they’re each half-empty. So that means, when this product is shipped across country, the trucks are burning gasoline to ship cargo that is 50% air. And then in the grocery aisle, they’re taking up twice as much square footage as they need. And all of that inefficiency wastes fuel, trees, environmental resources, and money.
When companies say things like, “We’ve always done it this way,” or “We couldn’t change it because ______”, what they’re really saying is, “We’re lazy.” Fixing packaging problems like these requires some upfront investment of time, money, and creativity, but once the solution is implemented, it saves money. And we’d no longer have to throw useless boxes away, just so that companies can continue to ship air. 
Here are my top packaging pet peeves: 
1. Products that come in a tube or bottle, that then are also packaged in a box (aspirin, nyquil, toothpaste, deodorant) 
2. Those plastic death-grip packages for toys and electronics that have to be opened with a chainsaw 
3. Packaging that makes it impossible to retrieve a large amount of the product. Toothpaste tubes, for example. I usually cut the bottom off of toothpaste towards the end, and I’m able to extract another week’s worth in a very messy way. Why not put toothpaste in a jar, like face cream?
4. Products that are designed so that it is impossible to re-use them — one-time pepper mills, throway cameras, etc. 
5. Hermetically sealed items that do not need to be pristine. I’m looking at you, toilet paper. Do we really need toilet paper to come wrapped in 18 layers of plastic, arriving at your bathroom stall pure as the driven snow? You do know where this is going, right? Ditto paper towels, maxi pads, diapers. These are not state secrets. 
..What are your packaging pet peeves?

Reuse News

yogurt canister pnts yogurt canister rice

I just made my old yogurt containers useful by turning them into dry-goods canisters with a peekaboo window. I cut out a small vertical panel by following the lines of the nutrition info box, and taped re-used plastic from an empty bread bag.

This makes me happy.

7 Things I’ve Learned from Magazines

During my period of extended convalescence, I’ve had a lot of free time in my apartment, stuck inside. So, I started doing things I never used to do before, like reading glossy magazines. Waste of time and/or money? What else was I going to do all day?

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. A Flat Stomach makes you Pure.

In the olden days, our culture was obsessed with a woman’s virginity. Nowadays, we’ve decided it’s ok to have sex, as long as you look like you are a virgin — i.e., 12. So, our strange compromise has led us to fetishize 25-year-old women with the body fat of preadolescents.

If at any point of your life, your curves do not make you appear 12, then you must be a witch a prostitute “fat.”

2. A Well-Appointed Closet is the new Porn. 

Did you know that if your bedroom closet is perfectly arranged and color-coded.  you have succeeded at the game of life? There will be much Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth, as other women Rue Your Victory.

Now sit down, perfect-closet-having-person, and have a nice romantic dinner for two, just You. And Your Closet.

3. Inherited wealth is an accomplishment. 

An “accomplishment” is when you do something remarkable with what you are given — such as becoming rich after being born into poverty. Or, for that matter, becoming compassionate after being born into privilege. But starting a frivolous clothing line at Bendel’s because you’re an heiress with nothing better to do is not that remarkable.

4. A nice home bought with lots and lots of money is also an accomplishment. 

Look, if I had 5 million dollars to spend on a Paris apartment, I’m sure my place would look nice, too.

5. The best way to live a simple, uncluttered life is to buy lots of new stuff.

“But honey, it’s a zen coffee table!”

6. The second best way to live a simple, uncluttered life is to buy lots of magazines advocating simplicity. 

Piles of old magazines will give your Buddhist-retreat vibe that perfect touch.

7. Have a major life decision on your horizon? A short quiz written by strangers may be your salvation.

Yes, it’s true that some people spend years of searching to figure out their ideal mate, career choice, and management style, but maybe that’s because they didn’t take the quiz in the middle of O Magazine.

Smart People and Bad Thoughts

As some of you know, I am a devotee of a spiritual teacher named Mata Amritanandamayi, or “Amma,” sometimes known as “The Hugging Saint” in the West.

One of the reasons I love her is that I am, quite simply, crazy. I have a whole lot of thoughts and ideas about myself and the world that are completely ill-founded. What’s worse – I’m smart. And smart people’s Achilles’ heel – or more accurately, Achilles’ Hell – is that we have a tendency to fall in love with convincing arguments, and cling to them like dogs gnawing on used-up bones. Once a ‘smart’ person gets a logical, well-constructed argument in their head, they’ll often follow it slavishly, long past the point of accuracy, common sense, or even personal happiness.

Imagine that your mind is like a party. When you’re smart in a certain kind of way, all those seemingly-rational (but deeply flawed) arguments sparkle like those mean-girl hotties. They outshine good ol’ Common Sense, who would totally love to talk to you, if you would only give her a minute of your time. But she’s over there, by the back, almost crowded out, poor thing, and you only learn what a good conversationalist she is once all the shiny girls have already left.

We “smart people” love the comforts of our if-then statements. We feel they provide stability, and even structure. But often, they are so rigid and so paralyzing that, instead of providing the positive structure of a scaffolding — that is to say, a foundation for improvisation and growth — they provide the negative structure of…a prison. So-called logical thinking often becomes so draconian and rigid that it only provides limitation, stagnation, and fear.

For example, when I was a teenager at boarding school, my mother — a very smart person — decided to take a one-year teaching appointment in a far-away state. At the beginning of the school year, she found an unfurnished apartment, and said, “You know, moving my furniture down will cost a lot of money. I’ll move it down later. And you know what? I slept on the carpet last night, and it really wasn’t that uncomfortable! I don’t mind it for a week or two, especially with some blankets underneath me for cushioning. I’ll deal with the furniture soon, once I get settled in my new department.”

A week or two became three months, and when my Christmas vacation came, I had to ask my mother to buy me a mattress. Spending Christmas in an empty apartment, sleeping on a mattress on the floor, I begged my mother to move the furniture down at last.

She said, “My one-year appointment might not be renewed, and moving is so very expensive. The year’s half-way over. I’ll wait until spring, and then if my contract is renewed, I’ll move it down.”

Summer came, and her contract was renewed, but again she rationalized, and I spent a summer sleeping on the floor in an empty apartment. All told, she would spend three years in that state of suspended animation, all the while promising to move the furniture down “soon.”

My mother was the most intellectual of all my friends’ parents. While her peers had more ordinary pursuits, my mother read voraciously, and talked at length about art, literature, and culture. But the thing is, if you had asked any of my friends’ ordinary parents, “Do you think it is a good idea for you and your daughter to sleep on mattresses on the floor in an empty apartment for the next three years?” they would have said something like: “Don’t be ridiculous. As long as I am not completely destitute, I will make sure that my child and I have a decent home.”

By the end of my mother’s strange time in limbo, her refusal to provide me with that decent home had pushed me far away. She had also, by the by, ended up spending at least as much on storage fees as she would have on moving expenses. But her fear had latched onto a convoluted “logic,” and trapped her in a bad decision. The kind of bad decision that wouldn’t even have occurred to someone who wasn’t, you know. Smart.

In this way, smart people become prisoners of their own minds, and their strengths become their weaknesses.